The Weight We Carry: Letting Go of Others' Expectations

I want you to imagine one of those days when you come home from work or school—and you just sit. You have absolutely no energy for anything else, it’s just time to sit—with yourself, with the day, with whatever happened. 

Your back is aching in that spot, you know the one that always hurts for reasons you’re not even sure of anymore. Maybe your heart is pounding even though your body is at rest because of a conversation you had with a coworker or one you suspect you’ll have with a friend. You could be completely numb while you are processing grief. It could be the gut-wrenching pain of losing an animal you’d worked with for a long time, or maybe the process of recognizing a work friend who was your anchor is moving on to better opportunities. 

It could be the frustration of writing or rewriting a paper your principal investigator or advisor asked you for weeks ago. But all you can do is sit, with all your weight—without realizing that much of that weight isn’t even yours.

This is where I was not so long ago, and I suspect I will find myself in this space again.

In many of these blogs, I’ve told you all about the importance of raising your community around you and recognizing the dangers of isolating yourself. This is just another reason why it’s important—because I never would have realized what a heavy weight I was carrying until I talked to someone in my community—my mom.

I was sitting in my car after a long day at work, speaking with her on the phone. I don’t remember exactly what burdened me on that day, but I remember sitting in my driveway with no energy to even get out of the car or walk in my front door.

As we talked, my mom pointed out that I was worrying about assumptions I had of others that were making me heavy and unable to navigate the situation I was in. I felt unable to live up to my own expectations because I was worried about the expectations of others. There was social pressure to not allow yourself to be tokenized or exploited. But at the same time, there were suddenly opportunities to have a platform and make a change.

I had allowed myself to feel like an outsider based on the assumption that everyone else belonged, in a way I couldn’t. 

Sometimes being the only Black woman in the room can lead to various wonderful opportunities, and many times these opportunities are veiled attempts to highlight the greatness of an organization, instead of the uniqueness of you as a Black woman. 

This concept of tokenism is as familiar to me as it is to be a Black woman. It’s a slippery slope between accepting opportunities to help you grow professionally and personally, and opportunities that are meant to use you as a public relations stunt to show ‘diversity’. 

Unfortunately, many opportunities end up being a little bit of both, but it’s a lonely minefield choosing which opportunities are best for you. As I’ve grown in my profession the instances of tokenism have only grown, especially since the tidal wave of change that the year 2020 brought. I remember talking about some of these frustrations and confusions with my mom and she said something that finally shut me up to reflect. 

“Don’t worry so much about holding people accountable, take your opportunities as they come. Ultimately if they are coming to you to highlight you, whether they are trying to use you or not, there is some truth to how brilliant YOU are. It doesn’t matter if they’re genuine in their intentions or not, because you are genuine. Worrying about whether an opportunity is genuine or not is going to wear you out. Their motivation is their struggle, their problem. And the minute you take on the thought that they aren’t genuine, it becomes your burden” 

Here I was thinking I was a strong person, walking in my own power, free of peer pressure from others–and yet, I was navigating the world with how I assumed others were thinking of me. I was stressing myself out trying to figure out how to get people to respect me. I was trying to control a situation I had no control over–and as a result, was limiting myself.

She pointed out these truths, and I didn’t like it. My pride was hurt, because she showed me how I had put those burdens on myself. At that moment, I remember thinking it was just another person against me and invalidating my life situation. Her words didn’t sink in until I found myself advising someone else about the same thing later. My friend was struggling with a situation where she was frustrated at being the only Black person at her job and being overlooked for many opportunities until it was time to ‘celebrate diversity’ on the team. I remember having a deja vu moment, where I found myself telling her not to worry if their intentions were shallow because her talent would shine through. My deja vu moment had me texting my Mom to thank her for her advice because I finally understood it, and passed it to someone else.

My mom had given me a gift; her honesty wasn’t harsh, it was a reality check that was based on compassion. Her point was that I can’t stop others from trying to tokenize me, and it’s not my burden to, because that’s their problem. If they shine a light on my own brilliance, even with malicious intent, my strengths will still shine regardless. 

She was offering me a key to unlocking my own shackled wings. I couldn’t fly, I couldn’t feel free, and I couldn’t walk confidently until I freed myself.

For those who may be tokenized, here’s an important tip to remember. If someone is coming to you to amplify or feature you for whatever reason, remember there is truth to it. There is something in you that draws others to you. Their intention is not your burden. 

One of my mentors advised me to realign my thoughts from feeling like a token to remembering I am a trailblazer, and I would encourage you to remember the same thing. 

I don’t know where you’re at reading this—maybe you’re in your driveway like I was, maybe you’re on a train, in a cafeteria, in your apartment.

Maybe your heart is pounding, or maybe you’re just numb.

But I hope this is an encouragement to you. Free yourself from others' expectations or your own assumptions of their expectations of you. Your brilliance has nothing to do with the burden of others' thoughts of you. It has everything to do with who YOU are. 

And as always- Stay Stunning,

Shannon

MIAZS Outreach Communication Coordinator